Building Blocks to Successful Relationships: The Framework
Once we have established a solid foundation, we begin the process of building the framework for God-honoring relationships.
There are seven elements within this framework of godly relationships:
Humility
Romans 12:3, “For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.”
Before Paul begins describing the spiritual gifts, he warns us about not thinking more highly of ourselves than we ought. This is a form of pride. However, we must realize that false humility is a form of pride as well. If we think we have no talent or are not gifted enough to use our talents, then we are equally at fault.
The Conflict
Proverbs 13:10, “Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.”
The root of any conflict is pride. We cannot have harmonious relationships if we are allowing ourselves to be controlled by pride.
When we argue over petty things, we are allowing pride to rear its ugly head.
Sometimes, we may have a better way to do something. But it is more important to display an attitude of humility and graciousness than it is to be “right.”
The Clothing
1 Peter 5:5, “…Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.”
As woman, most of us wouldn’t think of stepping foot outside our house without makeup and appropriate attire. It is important to look nice; however, it is even more important to be clothed in humility.
“God is honored and pleased when we humbly accept the way He made us and seek to fulfill the unique place He wants us to fulfill, no matter where that place is, or how esteemed in the eyes of others.”(1)
When we lay aside pride in our relationships and pick up the cloak of humility, Christ will be glorified.
Unhypocritical Love
Romans 12:9, “Let love be without dissimulation.”
The word “dissimulation” means a hiding under a false appearance; a feigning; false pretension; hypocrisy. (2)
We should not love others with false motives. Loving our sisters-in-Christ should be done out of a heart that is pure and right with God. Hypocritical love is fake love.
We’ve all known someone who was just over-the-top syrupy sweet. Sometimes this can be used as a cover-up for wrong motives or guilt.
The best way to deal with guilt in any relationship is to confront it. If we are guilty about something, we need to make it right. No amount of “being overly nice” will make up for simply making things right with someone.
People will know when we are not being sincere in our display of love.
We also display hypocrisy in relationships when we say one thing to someone’s face and another behind their back.
Proverbs 11:9, “An hypocrite with his mouth destroyeth his neighbor: but through knowledge shall the just be delivered.”
God wants us to love others sincerely, not with wrong motives. Insincere words and actions will hurt others and destroy relationships.
When we are struggling to love someone, we should ask the Lord to use us as an instrument of His love. The sources of His love will never run dry. When it is difficult to love, we can become a vessel of His love. Loving some people in our own strength may seem impossible, but through Him all things are possible.
Honor
Romans 12:10b, “in honour preferring one another;”
The Bible says we should give honor unto whom it is due. Haman sought honor for himself and was brought low. When we seek honor for ourselves, God will humble us.
Philippians 2:3, “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.”
We esteem others when we think more of them than we do ourselves. We have a greater regard for them.
One way to honor others in our relationships is by how we listen when they speak. God gave us two ears and one mouth. It is more important to listen, than it is to express our own opinions.
Are we listening to hear their heart? Or are we just waiting for a break to interject our own comments?
We also can honor others by means of an encouraging note or a small gift. We should celebrate other’s achievements and victories. Demonstrating gratitude to those who have served us and invested in our lives in another means of showing honor.
I would encourage you to start by thinking of one practical way a week you can show honor to another person. It may be as simple as a text or phone call to encourage someone. Or it may be a small gift. The power is in the act of kindness, not in the price tag of the gift.
Open-Handed Generosity
Romans 12:13, “Distributing to the necessity of saints;”
1 John 3:17-18, “But whoso hath this world’s good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him? My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.”
Jesus said if it is within our means to help someone, we should meet their need. This does not mean we should become enablers of sin. But if we are able to meet a legitimate need, we should take the opportunity to do so.
God blesses us, so that in turn, we can bless others.
Act 20:35, “I have shewed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive.”
We experience the abundance of God’s blessings when we give to the needs of others. If we try to hold our possessions in a tight fist we risk the possibility of losing them.
“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose” (Jim Elliot).
“We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give” (Winston Churchill).
God gave us the greatest gift anyone could give – the life of His Son. If this doesn’t motivate a person to give generously to others, then I’m not really sure what will. As we have freely received, we should freely give.
“You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving” (Amy Carmichael).
“In all of my years of service to my Lord, I have discovered a truth that has never failed and has never been compromised. That truth is that it is beyond the realm of possibilities that one has the ability to out give God. Even if I give the whole of my worth to Him, He will find a way to give back to me much more than I gave” (Charles Spurgeon).
II Corinthians 9:6-9, “But this I say, He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully. Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work: (As it is written, He hath dispersed abroad; he hath given to the poor: his righteousness remaineth for ever.”
Luke 6:38, “Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.”
The Lord will bless our generosity to others.
Hospitality
Romans 12:13b, “given to hospitality.”
Webster defines hospitality as “the act or practice of receiving and entertaining strangers or guests without reward, or with kind and generous liberality.” (3)
1 Peter 4:9, “Use hospitality one to another without grudging.”
Someone once said “Leadership is influence.” One of the best ways to influence people is by opening up your home to them.
You may not desire to hold a leadership position in the church, but you should desire to influence people for the cause of Christ.
Showing hospitality to others does not have to be serving them a seven course meal on china plates (although, if that is your gift, by all means use it). It means simply sharing what the Lord has blessed us with, however meager or grand it may be.
Sally Clarkson delights in mentoring people around her table. She writes,
“Hospitality comes from the same root word as hospital, hospice, and hotel. Behind the words is the idea that hospitality seeks to provide for, protect, and care for the person who stays in your home. Hospitality is really committing to caring for the emotional, physical, spiritual needs of someone as long as they are in your home.
“So often, we consider hospitality to be something that symbolizes perfect rooms with lovely decor, a well-prepared meal in a Martha Stewart-styled evening.
“Yet, the history of the word was much more about heart than it was about performance. The heart of hospitality is modeled for us in the last supper, when Jesus lovingly prepared for His last evening with His beloved disciples. He prepared for these weary men He called His friends by choosing a quiet room, away from the noisy crowds. Food was carefully cooked and laid out to appease their manly appetites. Each man was served by having his dusty, dirty feet washed by the gentle hands of their master.” (4)
Hospitality is probably one of the best ways to deepen friendships. Sometimes we need to take a break from the rigors of life to stop and share a cup of tea and conversation with someone. If hospitality is something new to you, start with a simple way. This doesn’t even have to be done in your own home if you are uncomfortable with that idea. Invite a friend out for a cup of coffee or tea.
Hospitality will require the investment of money and time, but the blessings of deepened relationships will far outweigh the investment.
The ways to demonstrate hospitality are as varied as the people in this room. Everyone will have their own way of demonstrating it. It is vital that we do not compare ourselves to others. What we can give, others may not be able to and vice versa. The key is that we do practice this command, no matter what we have to offer.
Showing hospitality, by offering of ourselves, our home, and our possessions is one of the greatest ways to practically pour out the love of Christ into the lives of others.
Honesty
Romans 12:17b, “Provide things honest in the sight of all men.”
Proverbs 27:5-6, “Open rebuke is better than secret love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”
You cannot have successful godly relationships without trust. This means carefully guarding information shared confidentially. This means following through with the commitments we make. If we know we can’t follow through, then don’t make the commitment in the first place.
Nothing will destroy a friendship faster than dishonesty. It can take years to build up trust and only a moment to destroy it.
Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest…if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”
If our thoughts are honest and true, then our words, actions, and motives will be honest and true.
Tender-Heartedness
Romans 12:15, “Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.”
A key factor to success in any relationship is to be able to empathize with those who are hurting. We may not understand what they are going through, but we can offer our love, prayers, and support.
I have taken several courses in counseling. One thing I have learned in each one is that we should not tell someone “we understand” when they are going through a difficult time. Even if we have been through a similar trial, we still should not say this. Everyone handles things differently. We cannot understand all of the emotions and feelings they are experiencing.
I have had people tell me this when we were going through a difficult time. It was very apparent that did not understand. They may have meant well, but their words were inappropriate to the situation. I was actually the most encouraged by one lady who reached out and told me very plainly that she did not understand. However, she empathized with our trial and tried to encourage in the best way she knew how.
Galatians 6:2, “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.”
Our pastor recently preached an excellent message on Galatians 6 about bearing one another’s burdens. He said, there are times when we must set down or lay aside our own burdens for a time to pick up those of another. We all have our own problems and difficulties. Sometimes it is so easy to become overwhelmed with our own problems and forget to reach out and help others. But sometimes we have to put our burden down so that we are able to carry the other person’s for a little while.
Many times when we get our eyes off our own problems and help another sister-in-Christ, our own problem becomes smaller. One of the best ways to deal with depression is to get out and help someone else.
Spurgeon said, “Friendship is one of the sweetest joys of life. Many might have failed beneath the bitterness of their trial had they not found a friend.”
These seven elements are vital to building a Framework for godly relationships with our fellow believers in Christ.
How are you incorporating them into your friendships?
Join me next week for the last post in this series: Forgiving One Another!
Previous posts in this series:
Sources:
- Pryde, Debi. Parenting with Wisdom. p. 66.
- Webster’s 1828, “dissimulation”.
- Webster’s 1828 Dictionary, “hospitality”.
- Clarkson, Sally. http://sallyclarkson.com/blog/2017/5/16/the-heart-of-hospitality